Jadyn and I went downtown tonight to get a pizza from the Big Apple. As I approached the strip (which is really Cedar Avenue that runs through the fairly quiet four-block downtown in Owatonna), I suggested that we "cruise." Not that anyone does anymore, but for those non-Owatonnans, cruising was the major social activity for teens in my town for years. Downtown Owatonna was the place to be and I'm sure it got its cool status from my friends who were teens in the late '80s and tainted the whole place (those friends shall remain nameless ... ahem, Andrea, Karla and Karla).
Anyway, this main street in Owatonna would be backed up for blocks with cars just sitting side-by-side in traffic when cruising was the cool thing to do. People socialized, found love (lust, mostly) and really were just seen. It was a big taboo for us Christian school kids. Maybe I just remember it that way, because a lot of us certainly seemed to do it anyway. But, that's a whole different post. Back to this pizza run with my son. He was all for cruising tonight and I honestly felt like a teenager again. I was grinning from ear to ear. And, yes, even in the winter weather, I rolled down my window ... just for the good old days.
True to recent form, nobody was out tonight. Well, we did see a teenage boy in a big, ol' Chevy truck and I'd like to think that he revved his engine just for me as he passed by. Okay, who am I kidding? I was carrying a pizza in my jeans, sweatshirt and gym shoes with my 12-year-old son. Then again, weirder things have happened ...
Jadyn asked to go around the park and back downtown. I acquiesced. I did need to get pop, and Fuel & Food (which used to be Food & Fuel, but whatever) was the closest place for pop, so I justified the turn-around. This time cruising down the strip, there were even less cars downtown. I guess all the teens nowadays are off at parties getting drunk and high? (I shouldn't end that with a question mark because my inside teen source tells me this is true. Hmm, cruising really doesn't look so bad now ... )
The weird thing about cruising with Jadyn is the memories it brought back. I actually met Jadyn's dad while cruising. I told Jadyn how much I loved his dad, which is true and which I never want to withhold from him, even though I'm happily married now. Jadyn seemed to be really pleased to hear that. I want Jadyn to know that even though he was not planned, he was certainly brought into this world in love, however young that love was. When I looked across at Jadyn as I was telling him all of this, he reminded me so, so, so, so much like his dad. It's actually quite uncanny how much he is like his father. I firmly believe that DNA only goes so far, but sometimes I am looking straight at Jadyn's dad when I talk to my little boy, who's not so little anymore. And, as Jadyn gets older, I only see his dad more and more in him. Sigh. I try so hard not to resent that. I mean, it's been me all along struggling, loving, sacrificing for this boy. I wonder if all the work I put into him and my other children will show up in other ways. I hope I get that vindication at least.
Oh, but that's why broken relationships are so hard. There's always heartbreak, for at least one person. There's loss, grief, questioning. Oh, and let's not forget that little forgiveness piece and the rebuilding it takes to move on. But, broken relationships are really bad when there are kids involved. Forgiveness and rebuilding seem to be a necessity for the duration if both parents are involved in the child's life. Not an easy thing to do for most people who couldn't make it work the first time when they were in love.
Tonight, while we cruised, though, it made me pretty nostalgic. I remembered all the good times I had with my friends down there. I remembered the night I met Jadyn's dad and how giddy I was about it. The resentment must have blown out the window, because the brown eyes sitting in my passenger seat this time were the same brown eyes that used to sit in my passenger seat 15 years ago. And I was okay with that even though I'll always be a little sad for the brokenness my son never asked for. Tonight on the strip, Jadyn and I did our best to look cool for the people who weren't there. We laughed. We cranked the music. More importantly, I had a chance to validate the little boy, who may look like his father, but is certainly his own person. And just maybe, that penchant Jadyn has for things like cruising is more me than his dad ...
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